Hindsight in Photography - Long Winding Journey
This is a long post, but I want to get this off my chest.
I'm still young, and have only been doing Photography seriously for only a few years, but that doesn't mean my journey in the medium has been short. My belief in photography, at least for my own journey, is that a lot of it is hindsight. The work that I want to produce, the things that I want to achieve, as much as it comes from looking forward and planning, a lot has been unconsciously been hinted at in the work I was producing in the past.
So emotional. My friend James playing the piano during rehearsal for a School play, we were both part of the AV team.
Photography was something I practiced since my grandfather gifted a Fujifilm point and shoot to my family when I was just beginning middle school. It was a pivotal moment, our family film Minolta was always locked away and I was apprehensive to waste frames, it was this weird fear, I just didn't want to annoy my mom with 12 pictures of my feet or the back of a tree, I actually was frightened of the camera itself. With a digital camera, those fears were gone, any the kids in the family were all a certain age that my parents had less of a need to take pictures, meaning I could take the camera for longer periods.
It was mostly family snaps, and that Fujifilm compact finally gave up, and was superseded by a Casio compact. That compact was my favourite, it had snappy focus, was slim enough to carry in my pocket, I brought it everywhere, everywhere. I started to experiment with photo manipulation, I initially used Paint.net, a very versatile free photo editor, I still think its interactive gradients are awesome and something I miss even today in Photoshop. I was late to the Photobucket/Facebook party, so I lost a lot of my images from these formative years. I actually didn't know how much of an impact just doing things like taking pictures of family or things around me would have in a few years.
My Casio finally broke after a heavy fall. This is when I moved to a hand-me-down Nikon Coolpix, which, too put it apt, was horrendous shit. I soon entered High School, and during my freshman year, I was asked to photograph a volleyball tournament in a dark school gym, I had more fun going through salmonella poisoning. Really, the camera was slow to start, would always mis-focus and had a battery life shorter than my pubescent facial hair.
At that point, I took my savings and did the most reasonable thing. After using a terrible Nikon, I got another Nikon. This time, a D90, an SLR, big boy territory. This is when things started to fire up. That camera was amazing, it was a beast. The camera was with me all the time, dropped multiple times, drenched heavily in rain and sea water (the screws are actually rusty as a result) - yet the camera kept going. Still today, I honestly believe it has one of the best autofocus systems Nikon has ever produced, the center point was sensitive to levels that still astonish me today, we seriously do live in the future.
A lot of the images that I shot during School made it into the school yearbook or website. I was never part of the yearbook club, but I was grateful that they used so many of my images over the years.
The personal stuff, screwing around, just trying things out. As you may have noticed, my good friend Keiran comes up often. He was a great sport, he always was willing try out ideas on a whim and would agree to be my subject. I still remember I how I wanted to photograph his portrait, I may have failed to mention the fact that I wanted him to dunk his head in water and spit out milk. Thanks Keiran.
It became clear to me that after years of photographing random things, school events, weddings and parties (can't forget gala ball photo booths) that I actually enjoyed photography a lot, even through the hardships. I knew it was hard work, nothing had come easy at that point. Assisting a local photographer through some events further confirmed this, but I loved every moment, I loved the rush and the new challenges of every job and shoot. I knew in my heart that Photography was something I wanted to pursue as a career. I decided that I would further study photography at a university level in hopes of understanding the craft further.
It needs to be noted, that all through High School I suffered from a mild depression. The sensation of waking up and feeling nothing was becoming common place. It was only the solace that I found behind a camera that gave me some warmth and meaning to the disappointment I faced from waking up every morning. When I left for University, my dream to further study and pursue photography became a living nightmare, I lived in denial of the institution I chose, further exacerbating my depression. The education I was receiving was piecemeal and presented by jaded people from the creative industry, I struggled with myself and struggled to complete school. I was too far in the degree not to complete it. I struggled to complete anything in life, school, personal projects and even relationships. The world around me simply crumbled, and I felt alone, I felt cold and I felt worthless and not valued.
If it weren't for the high quality individuals that I am honored to call my friends, I hardly doubt I could have made it as far as I have. Though these sentences may be seemingly filled with regret, I still am grateful for the experience that I went through. It has made me question whether I have made the right decisions, and I still stand to reaffirm that I would like to pursue this path. Through hardships, I have encountered brief moments of clarity that led to some excitement of the future.
So today, right now, where do I stand? Not too far away. Though my depression still comes in bouts, I now actively try to seek help with it. Though, I have gained a sense of learned helplessness, once willing to try challenging things, I am seemingly withering at them today.
Personally, the fact that I don't shoot as much as I used to, even for personal reasons, infuriates me as my visions lie rotting on the floor. It's a cycle, a cycle of apathy that feeds itself further with inaction that I struggle to break. I still struggle to finish what I started - I give up too easily, simply because I feel that I let everyone down, sometimes even before I try, leading to me not wanting to finish images, that's being actively fixed and progress is being made though slow.
The results of trying, when I actually finish something, is an oddly familiar aesthetic.The hint of a flare or the gentle light that can be achieved by holding a shoot through umbrella from up high, it's honestly starting to look more familiar. The speed and energy, the run and gun fashion, it's basically going full circle to the time I first started. Right now, what brings me forward in my work, as with many things including the support of those around me, is also the welcoming warmth of something familiar, hints of when I started this winding journey. I just need to learn to embrace it, and fear no more.
More tk.
